A few good (but mostly bad) movies

I’ve been trying to catch up on some movie watching lately, unfortunately my good:bad hit ratio is pretty abysmal…

Megapython vs Gateroid

I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around.

Whenever you see the phrase “SyFy Original Movie” alarms bells should be going off, that is if the title alone didn’t put you in the right frame of mind.

The title is a tautology for the plot, a bunch of mutant snakes and gators fight it out for dominance of the everglade and a bunch of stupid humans get in the way. Staring 80’s pop divas Tiffany (I think we’re alone now) and Debbie Gibson (Electric Youth) which in itself should be enough to attract anyone in their late 30’s to see it, assuming the title didn’t suck you in. Within the first five minutes I was ready to stop watching and find something more constructive to do with my time but then the self deference and 80’s references started to pop up and I realised that this was no ordinary low budget monster flick…I didn’t say it was a good low budget monster flick (it’s very bad) but at least it didn’t take itself seriously and wasn’t afraid to trade on the Debbie Gibson/Tiffany angle, for that alone it was worth watching.

Also, this horrible movie does have a couple of redeeming features, each of Tiffany’s boobs (not nude).

Is there any questions you would like to ask? Where's the exit?

Faster

I never really understood the term “Star Vehicle” when applied to movies but this pretty much provide the perfect definition.

Basic plot is that The Rock is in jail after his bank robbing crew was taken down by another crew who kill everyone including The Rock’s brother. When he gets out of prison he has already arranged a private eye to hand over the names and addresses of all those involved who he proceeds to kill one by one in progressively more boring ways. In the end he kills everyone except for the person responsible for the whole mess, the director of the movie! (actually, it’s Moon Bloodgood, she’s the one who told Billy Bob about the bank robbery). He just rides off in to the sunset oblivious that he left the main antagonist alive, lame.

I didn’t include spoiler warnings there because after ten minutes you will have worked out the entire plot yourself anyway.

Predictable and cliche ridden this piece of crap was clearly only created to give Dwayne Johnson something to do between gym sessions. How they got Tom Berenger and Bill Bob Thornton to participate is a question for the ages. Avoid.

The Human Centipede

OzOzOz, enough said.

Once seen this cannot be unseen, if you don’t want some seriously disturbing images burned in your psyche forever, do not watch this movie.

Feed Her!

Battle Los Angeles

The pick of the bunch. Calling this Independence Day on the ground is pretty accurate, imagine this movie as the depiction of what happens during Independence Day to a group of soliders stuck fighting the ground based aliens while Will Smith is busy shooting off sidewinders in the sky. However, the major criticism of Battle:LA is that it lacks the parody nature of ID and tried to be a little too much Black Hawk Down and not enough ID. I disagree, I liked it.

They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn walls. Let's book!

Gulliver’s Travels

Always bet on (Jack) Black (sorry Wesley Snipes). I wouldn’t call myself a fan of Jack Black but I won’t hate him and this was a fun movie which took some serious liberties with the original story, to great effect. Worth a watch.

Paranormal Activity 2

The original Paranormal Activity had me checking the dark corners of my house and while this sequel didn’t hold the same sway it was still worth watching. Guest appearances by the original cast while intertwining the stories was very well done. If you like the first movie you will most likely enjoy this one too.

From the IMDB Parents Guide, I’m not sure why I’m putting this here but I found it amusing that such a thing exists:

  • Two women are seen wearing bikinis in a pool. It’s very innocent and not sexual.
  • A woman says she would let a man “smash” her.
  • A woman is seen in a bath, but bubbles cover any nudity.
  • Two young teenagers have a go on a Ouiji Board and the male fakes it and spells “Pussy” and then says that the Demon wants pussy
  • Brief mild discussion about underage sex as a joke

It’s interesting to note that two simultaneous sequels were authorised to production, this one and another one Parnormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night, which I am yet to see.